Itches Under the Skin.

Sometimes I just feel stuck.

Okay, so I feel stuck a lot. I'm a twenty-year old living at home, taking six classes at my local university and my hours at work recently got cut. I don't feel like I relate to a lot of people around me, I don't feel good enough, I feel like everyone is looking at me and they know that I haven't been living up to my potential for a while.

"And I have known the eyes already, known them all ... I am pinned and wriggling on the wall." [T.S. Eliot, "Prufrock"]

I go to school three days a week, I go to work two days a week. By the time I get to the weekend, I want to get out. The week is school-work-school-work-school. The weekend comes and I have these itches under my skin. I want to do something impulsive. Drive and keep driving. Dye my hair. Throw away a large amount of belongings. I just want to do something that visibly shows or I can talk about that shows that I'm in charge of my life. I mean, I know I'm not... I'm under the power of my circumstances that my place in time and space has granted me. There are little choices I can make, like what food I eat or what field I study that can lead to other, larger consequences, but those consequences are not in my control. I eat like a pig and I'm fat. I eat like a bird and I'm thin, but either way I'm going to be 5'9 and not-a-stick. I choose to study philosophy, but that choice leads [and requires] me to take other classes and have a bottled experience that I can make of it what I will, but what I make of it is limited to what is available to me.

Somehow I want to break out of this cycle. I don't know how.

I think I know what I like and what I'm good at, but I try to do those and I just feel like I fall apart. Like if I try what I'm good at and fail, I won't have anything. I can be told that I have more than most and I'll just feel like a bitch because I want more.

This is disjointed, and I'll probably add more later.