My Five Next Books.

That I need to read, mind you.

As much as I love reading--which is pretty much evident in my bookshelf size, conversation topics, and choice of majors--I have been pretty much a hypocrite lately as far as reading goes. I've been watching too much Doctor Who and tried to keep up with my coursework to actually read a lot for myself. This year I've only read two books for myself. So, after Looking for Alaska, which I'm currently reading right now, I plan to read the following.

1. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. I've actually never read it, which astonishes my mom, seeing that she feels that it was crucial to her child rearing approach she used with me. From what I've read about it, it seems like I would very much agree with the message that is in it... I've just never got to it. I've seen/met Ray Bradbury twice, even have books signed, just never read it.

2. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. I read this my sophomore year of high school and really loved it, but I think that the four years that have passed since then will present it to me with new eyes and hopefully a new perspective.

3. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway. I've never read any Hemingway until tonight, which I'm reading "The Snows of Kilomanjaro" and I really like his writing style. It's simple, but doesn't lack in thought or art.

4. Fool by Christopher Moore. I went to the book signing for this book and have it all signed and waiting to be read, I just never got to it. I've loved most of Moore's books I've read. I didn't like Island of the Sequined Love Nun as much, but I love some of his other books. It's based on the Fool in Hamlet, so I should like it.

5. 13 Blue Envelopes by Maureen Johnson. I've never read anything of her's, but after she took over for John Green while he was on maternity leave for the vlogbrothers, I looked into her books more, and 13 Blue Envelopes seemed the most interesting to me.

Well, I should probably do something academic or make headway on some project.

Itches Under the Skin.

Sometimes I just feel stuck.

Okay, so I feel stuck a lot. I'm a twenty-year old living at home, taking six classes at my local university and my hours at work recently got cut. I don't feel like I relate to a lot of people around me, I don't feel good enough, I feel like everyone is looking at me and they know that I haven't been living up to my potential for a while.

"And I have known the eyes already, known them all ... I am pinned and wriggling on the wall." [T.S. Eliot, "Prufrock"]

I go to school three days a week, I go to work two days a week. By the time I get to the weekend, I want to get out. The week is school-work-school-work-school. The weekend comes and I have these itches under my skin. I want to do something impulsive. Drive and keep driving. Dye my hair. Throw away a large amount of belongings. I just want to do something that visibly shows or I can talk about that shows that I'm in charge of my life. I mean, I know I'm not... I'm under the power of my circumstances that my place in time and space has granted me. There are little choices I can make, like what food I eat or what field I study that can lead to other, larger consequences, but those consequences are not in my control. I eat like a pig and I'm fat. I eat like a bird and I'm thin, but either way I'm going to be 5'9 and not-a-stick. I choose to study philosophy, but that choice leads [and requires] me to take other classes and have a bottled experience that I can make of it what I will, but what I make of it is limited to what is available to me.

Somehow I want to break out of this cycle. I don't know how.

I think I know what I like and what I'm good at, but I try to do those and I just feel like I fall apart. Like if I try what I'm good at and fail, I won't have anything. I can be told that I have more than most and I'll just feel like a bitch because I want more.

This is disjointed, and I'll probably add more later.